Post-O-Soji

Another year, another bunch of resolutions no? Well, I started doing some mental O-Soji (Japanese end of year cleaning) early, and part of that process often brings me to WoodMoor Village. The fact is that WoodMoor Village has become much more than I ever intended. It has, true to things released into the wild, become its own creature in many respects. Also true to projects upon which we embark, they change us as much, if not more, than we at first imagined. That has been the case with WoodMoor Village. That has been the case with my practice.

This last year saw the amount of "stuff" (academic, parental, spousal, other professional, etc. responsibilities) in my life grow drastically. I don't know why -- perhaps because it was the last year before tenure. So much more acquired a sense of urgency or at least of a "looming" deadline quality to them. That has been interesting, in particular for a person like me, fairly easy going and relaxed. I've realized that some of that growth in a sense of more coming at me can be attributed to a few things:

1) Terra Lynne is growing and developing and thus demanding much more attention. Sounds silly no? What kid doesn't? But Terra's special needs (Trisomy 9 Mosaic, Cerebral Palsy) mean that she has gotten more demanding, she needs more attention, and all of that requires greater energy and time in being a good and skillful parent for her. She has started picking up more sign language, and communicating much more adamantly with those around her, hence behavior management has become a concern. Those considerations, in turn, have a similar effect for Phoenix, and thus for the whole household. The support my wife needs is ever-increasing. Taking care of the household, Phoenix, and a child with special needs on a full time basis takes a heavy toll. The questions coming our way regarding my wife's professional life (now on hold for some time), how to organize ourselves prior to and after my sabbatical, Terra's schooling, and medical needs to name a few, can be rather exhausting emotionally. I'm very aware of that, and have been trying to find more ways of being supportive.

Besides Terra Lynne, I also have Phoenix and Alex. I want to be a great father for them and that requires time and attention. Alex just turned 21 and that relationship is different than the other ones. Often I find I just want to make up for some of my screw ups earlier in life. Phoenix turned 8 this Summer and he has his own needs for attention and reassurance about life. I love my family and the best I can give them is my full presence, and my love. This year has been full of that and I'm grateful, but there is no denying that it takes much to keep a happy family.

2) Last year also saw a radical increase in my spending time trying to develop a healthier me. After years of inattention and mindlessness, especially over-eating, I decided to join Weight Watchers and start being more mindful about my eating habits. Well, it worked quite well. I lost 50 lbs, and felt much better. Great success, but at a cost. Last year saw me spend a lot of time in a place I usually don't like much: the gym. Problem is, this needs to be a lifestyle change. So, I've also spent considerable time trying to make this part of my practice (as it should be), and in continuing staying healthy without obsessing over weight or what I can or can't eat. I'm not in Weightwatchers anymore, but found them pretty helpful. Amazing how much time this takes.

3) Tenure! Yes, this has taken some time, even though I've been good at not fretting about it. Teaching has also taken much more time this year. I don't know why. It is not as if I've all of a sudden decided to spend more time at it. I already spend an inordinate amount of time in preparation and execution, advising, service, etc. It just takes time, and if one wants to be a stellar teacher one has to put the time and effort required. What's more, the demands of academic life increase every year -- from colleagues, students, professional associations, scholarly interests, etc. I have two homes, my family place, and campus. Thankfully, this year I've spent more time at my family place than on campus, but it still feels as if my campus time has increased. The intensity of it has certainly gone way up.

4) It seems that every year I add more to the store of things that interests me, capture my imagination, and enrich my, and my family's, life. Well, at least I hope they enrich my family's life! Can't help it. I've always been interested in everything. My mind runs and loves to explore, to try things, to delve deeply. Part of this is normal maturation. This love of life is what drove me to academia, what ignites my life force about everything I do. Part of it is finding things that we can expose the kids to, and provide them with a diversity of opportunities. Quite frankly, much of this is also my returning to past hobbies, interests, and passions.

Over the last three to four years I've re-awakened my interest in photography (see my next post entry), after quite a few years of just "point and shooting." Now, it has become a significant addition to my waking time. I've done photowalks with Phoenix, and want to start a similar activity on campus and connect it to the emerging mindfulness practice center (as a way to develop understanding and being present). Photography for me is not as new as it might appear from the lack of coverage of that subject on this blog. I started taking shots when I was about 15 (yikes! that was 28 years ago). I acquired, through a family member, an old and beat-up Minolta SRT-201, and started shooting around town. Any skill I might have now is due to that early all manual film photography work. In any case, my skills are minimal. I never saw this blog as a space dedicated to my photograpic imagination, or even my artistic thoughts (bet you didn't know I also have a slight art background), but that is going to change this year.

5) Practice. I've also made serious changes to my practice this year. At first these changes were not planned. That is, I did not set out to change my practice at the outset. With all of the above, with a young family that needed more time from me at home, with a certain maturation about how I was feeling about my practice, things started to change slowly. I wanted a break of sorts, but not a vacation from practice. Rather I wanted to spend more time thinking of my practice less as a "thing I do" as ritual practice with a group. In other words, less like a Sunday church service, and more as a deep ethical commitment coming from within and spilling outward. Part of my questioning over the last year has been how do I sustain such a practice while not being dogmatic, not letting allegiances or affiliations with groups shape the experience and the practice itself, and maturing a mindfulness practice that is an honest grappling, walking, and smiling with the realities of my day to day life.

I've been thinking about all of this as an escape from the subtle temptation to try to be perfect at practice. A desire to somehow over-harmonize everything that surrounds me, by wrapping it into an idealist cocoon of "practice." I smile at this point because I suspect the Buddha's proverbial middle path is perhaps what this is all about.

I made a conscious decision at the end of Summer to slow down a bit in my local Sangha (I had already made a similar decision regarding the larger Oregon group). Many other folks have started taking leadership roles and that has been wonderful. My professional responsibilities this last semester (travel, hiring, meetings, etc.) have been substantial, and they have made a dent in how often I've been able to sit formally with the local sangha. I've suffered that, but I also have been practicing with letting be (and letting go of) that suffering, and the mindfulness practice group on campus is coming along well. The upshot? I've learned to develop a practice around many things, not just sitting, and in many ways -- not just with a beatific smile while on a cushion.

In sum, I've grown in my practice, even if I continue an eclectic path that has no disciplinary, or lineage, home but my own "zen humanism." How do I know I've grown in practice? Because of the mistakes I keep making. Truly. I think the first step is to develop an ever-increasing awareness of precisely how we are not mindful, of how we suffer and continue to prolong our suffering and perhaps the suffering of others. Besides, the realization of growth is a deeply personal one. No need for measuring sticks. I daresay that it took all the tumult of last year to make conditions possible for any growth. Tilling the earth comes at the expense of upturning the soil and overturning some worms.

These are not all the things that have contributed to the tumultuous nature of 2007 for me, but some rather significant ones. Smack dab in the middle of all of this is my relationship with my wife. Being a good partner takes time and effort, commitment, generosity, virtue, and right attitude (probably the whole six paramitas). The best moments in our relationship are when we come together, amid all the chaos and tumult of life, and see ourselves as partners trying to chart and navigate a path through the waters. Relationships are like that I think. An agreement to be co-captains of an at times rickety vessel in stormy seas, trying to bring others along (if you have children) as safely as possible -- learning the ropes themselves so that they can be captains in their own right later in life.

Nothing better than having that co-captain by your side when the storm breaks and you see the sunrise. Let us hope the new year brings more of those moments.

Comments

[Kendall]

Good Soji, Nacho! I wish you many more of those moments you hope for. When do you hear about the tenure decision? I wish you the best possible outcome there, whatever that is. I hope we meet this year, and I look forward to more blogging. I was away for a while, and I like the new look, new title, the whole thing!